PLEASE VOTE

Chapter 1. The Beginning
The thunder boomed in the distance, scaring any prey to scurry into their dens. A small she-cat struggled up the flat terrain to the nearby WindClan camp. Her belly swollen, her fur mangled and unkept. The freezing rain pelting her will drops off pain, she was soaked through.
She let out a yowl as she winced in pain. Her kits were coming, soon. In the distance, the trees creaked as the winds swayed them, threatening their home in the rich soil. She kept trudging her paws, hoping she would find somewhere to kit soon.
A threatening yowl alerted her as she soon saw three mercerless looking cats charging their way across the moorland. Their teeth glistening in the almost pitch black air, they stopped and glared at her. One stepped up to her, a menacing look in his face. "So, you've come back, traitor?" he snarled, struggling to lunge at the she-cat before her. She was somewhat taken back, though she knew she could've expected this welcoming. She dipped her head slightly, struggling to bring it back up to see her adversaries. "Gorsestorm, I'm sorry." she strained at first, then went on "I must speak with Oakstar, it is urgent. It could mean the difference for life and-" she suffered another pain in her swollen belly, this more severe than the last.
A she-cat stepped forward, her tortishell fur soaked. She once wore a fury-stricken face, now it was replaced by a worrying fear. "Gorsestorm, we must take her back. She will die out here. Her kits are coming and she has nowhere to conceive them." she pleaded. Gorsestorm let out a infuriating hiss. "Mosstail, who is leading this patrol?" he spat. Mosstail stepped back slightly, she had moved to stand beside the weak tabby she-cat. "Gorsestorm,-" Gorsestorm stopped her. "No." he growled.
Now, the sleek black tom had been watching. "Gorsestorm, you are no newer a warrior than Mosstail. We are bringing Heatherpelt with us, she is obviously no threat to us." Gorsestorm looked at his paws, ashamed. "I just thought..." Gorsestorm shut up. "We will have to help her the rest of the way, she is too weak to be doing this on her own." the black tom went on. Mosstail nodded her head graciously. "Thank you Ravenfur." she pressed gently up against Heatherpelt's shoulder. "Come on. You'll be safe soon." she whispered in Heatherpelt's ear. Heatherpelt just nodded her head slightly while Ravenfur did the same on her other side. Together the three cats traveled to the camp while Gorsestorm went ahead to camp, sending a warning to their leader.

They made it to camp, exhausted and drenched. A large brown tabby aproached them, his face keeping his feelings a secret. "Heatherpelt, explain yourself." he mewed gruffly. Heatherpelt struggled to step forward the small pawstep. "Oakstar" she began "I need somewhere to kit, I won't take up much prey and I'll leave as soon as I can travel with my kit." she begged. Oakstar thought, how would his warriors react to a rogue in the camp? His deputy, Bluepelt stepped forward. "It's fine Oakstar, let her stay. I'll keep an eye on her and make sure no trouble will be stirn up. Oakstar nodded his approval and waved his tail in farewell to Heatherpelt. On his way back to his den he called over his shoulder "Your welcome here will not be overstayed."
Bluepelt nudged Heatherpelt to the nursery, the yellow furred rogue struggling in pain. "Bluepelt, get Thistlefern, the kits are coming."
Bluepelt trotted over to the medicine den urgently, not letting her warriors what was happening. She called out to Thislefern, who answered grumpily. "What is it?" she called. "A queen is about to kit, she needs your help." Thislefern appeared out of the dark depths of her den. "Keep guard at the entrance, I'll handle this."

What seemed to be a moon was only a few heartbeats. Heatherpelt had one kit. She gazed upon her newborn son. "I will name you Goldenkit." she smiled. It was strange, her mate was so much different then her. She a rare ocelot, an ecaped prisoner in a twoleg's home. Her mate, Cody, a large African Serval tom, who had also escaped from a prison they had sworn they will never go back to. It seemed they were an unlikely pair, but that was why she left her Clan. To stay with her mate in an abandoned farm, away from WindClan territory.
The kit carried her mother's long tail and beautiful pelt, but he owned his father's large body and powerful strength. He had black tipped ears and heather eyes. His paws were large for his size and his tail was indeed too long for him. But he wore his unique looks well, using them to his advantages.
Chapter 2. Decisions
Two moons had gone by and Goldenkit grew stronger, as did his mother, recovering from her rough journey. The time came when she had to leave and Goldenkit was given the choice wether he wanted to leave with his mother, or join WindClan to become a warrior. He was already weaned and had been eating prey. His favorite was rabbit.
Goldenkit sat up in his nest, thinking after a peaceful sleep. Do I want to leave or stay here? My father is out there and Heatherpelt will be going back to him soon. He shook his head, but when on. WindClan is a nice home. I will be able to become a warrior, like Bluepelt and Ravenfur. Rabbit is much better than mouse. He lay back down, his mind swirling with his thoughts. He went back to sleep beside his mother.
The next morning, Goldenkit had his mind made up. He climbed out of the nursery, his mother had already left. She was recieving traveling herbs from Thistlefern, today Heatherpelt was going back. The only thing that wasn't definite was if he was staying or not. He padded over to the fresh-kill pile and pulled out a young, plump looking rabbit. He finished part of it, the flavors still savoring in his mouth. He would give the rest to Fernstorm, the oldest elder still in WindClan. He was possibley the oldest of all the Clans, but he wouldn't ask. He always told Goldenkit stories and tried to play with him. The other kits, though older, were too small for him. He always managed to squish them some how.
Goldenkit stumbled into the Elder's Den, dragging his rabbit with him. "Fernstorm?" he called, muffled through fur. A grunt sounded through the den in reply. Goldenkit continued to drag his rabbit to Fernstorm, dragging the rabbit through the nests of others not there and hitting another elder, Pinefoot, on the way. Pinefoot let out a hiss. "Darn kits, no respect for their elders..." she grunted, falling back to sleep.
Goldenkit finally made it to Fernstorm, his neck strained and he was panting. "Here Fernstorm." Goldenkit gasped. Fernstorm eyes gleamed as he reached down to touch noses with Goldenkit. "I wish I was young enough to mentor you." he croaked. Goldenkit dipped his head respectively. Fernstorm craned his head to the rabbit and finished it off in a few ravenous bites. "What shall we do today, young one?" Fernstorm asked. Goldenkit didn't answer. He immediately pounced onto Fernstorm's tail. Fernstorm started flicking his tail around, trying to keep it from Goldenkit playfully. Goldenkit kept going for it, diving and jumping. He dipped and he swatted. He pounced on it again, pinning it to the ground. "Gotcha!" Goldenkit called in triumph. Fernstorm chuckled "Well done, you'll make a fine hunter some day." he slid his tail from Goldenkit. "Would you like to hear a story?" Goldenkit immediately replied "Yes!" he ran over to in front of Fernstorm and made himself comfortable. He slid some moss in place and layed down. "A new one today." Goldenkit pleaded. Fernstorm nodded his head in approval, "Alright, let me think." he brought his head up and thought for a moment. "How about when

okay, please tell me how u liked it, didn't like it. etc. i consider this important so try not to kid around. *glares at member and iron*

Do you want me to give you the honest to truth, no sissy stuff, no sweet cookies in the middle, just the cold, hard, mean, truth?

A few grammatical errors, but otherwise pretty good.

If you're planning on sending this to the Erin Hunter's I have no idea why, they're not going to publish it as one of their books, because the Omen of the Star's is it for them. It's not bad, it's just that, there is hardly any insight to how the characters are truly feeling, sure you put, a little fear, anguish, but no details on who the character's truly are. You have a Nancy Yi Fan complex, in which you don't explain any of the character's actions, or their feelings, they just do something because a puppetmaster (you) tell them too.

((Sorry for the double post))

Another thing... Too many -storms, and too often their name is said. You can put SHE a few times for Fernstorm, and no one will get confused because Golden is a HE.

Mmmm Cheese-its...xD

Well-said, Titan. About both posts.

I loved it. I mean,yea u could have put some more feelings in there and a little bit more in name differences but otherwise it's great! 5 stars. Btw,u can come to me anytime for name suggestions. I have thousands of names! :3

thanks guys, and Iron your insulting helped a lot. I'll keep that in mind. Btw, naru I think it's inevidable that I'll be running to you for some good names. Thanks.

I jest Goldie, It are be goodly. xD just like cheez-its.

.....Titan wasn't insulting you. He was giving you insight. Er, critique. WHATEVER.
He's just telling you how to make it better. That's not an insult, that's a great help!

You'll prolly thank 'im later.

LOL. :3 Thanks! and yeppers,it ish rlly awesome. U put a lot of attention to the surrounding area,and that's good! I don't put a lot of detail in there,but I do have a lot of emotions. Maybe too many. But our writing styles are almost complete opposites. LOL

Yeah, Iron wasn't insulting. He's just a hardcore critic.

*nods* Hardcore. Yep.

I know, iron my buddy. *hugs*
and thanks Naru, and Sun, and Wolvine, and pplz. *hugs everyone*