The Mansion

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The Mansion

Post by Waffletail on Thu May 13, 2010 5:43 pm

NOTE: This is unrevised, so don't be hating. Also, I'm lacking an intro, cause I'm lazy.


Mark felt himself being pulled towards the giant mansion. It was the
only sign of civilization, the rest of the area was completely dead
trees. As Mark walked the seemingly endless dusty road leading to the
mansion, he felt scared. It had finally hit him. What's going on? He
thought. The neighbourhood he grew up in had disappeared. He blinked,
just to make sure this wasn't a dream. He opened his eyes, and the dark
mansion was still there. Marc pinched himself, but to no avail, it was
definitely real.

Marc finally made it to the steps cracked
steps. He looked up, and he know had a perspective to how big the
mansion was. Gigantic was an understatement. The mansion seemed to
stretch on forever on it's sides, and Marc guessed that it was the same
in the back. As Marc walked up the steps, he noticed there was something
white pinned to the large double door of the mansion. When he reached
it, he found out that it was a piece of paper. On the paper, neat
cursive letters were on it. The paper read: “Hello Marc, I know you're
wondering why you are here. I will tell you. I have taken your family,
and hidden them in the mansion, you have 10 days before their lives
end. You can leave now, and never see them again, or you could run away,
I wont stop you. Choose wisely. ”

Marc read the note over 3
times, his expression unreadable. The first thing that came to his mind
was a practical joke, but who would joke about this? He decided that he
would test it by going into the mansion. The room he was in was very
dark and dusty, just like the view of the place from outside. The
furniture looked very old and the wallpaper was peeling off. The frames
of eerie paintings that hung on the wall were crooked, and cobwebs
seemed to be everywhere. Not a place you would enjoy living in. Marc
took a few steps forward into the center of the room; the floorboards
creaked loudly when he stepped on them. Marc looked behind at the door,
he was too scared, his plan was to get out and call the police, but when
he turned around at where the door was supposed to be he had quite a
surprise. The door was gone.





Marc gaped at
the blank wall, his mouth open as wide as a window. “Wha?” Was all he
managed, dumbstruck. Marc shook his head. This isn't happening! He
thought. He went up to a window, and looked out. It was the same spooky
scenery as before. Dead trees, dusty roads, etc.
Marc walked back
into the room, and picked up a chair. With all his strength, Marc hurled
the chair at the window, planning on smashing it into little pieces.
The chair hit it's mark, but bounced off as if the window was a
trampoline. Marc cursed, then went up and kicked the window; not even a
scracth. Marc shook his head. “This is stupid” He muttered. He gave up
hope and decided his only option was to look for his family.


Marc walked into another room, similar to the other one. Rotting wood
furniture, cobwebs and dust were everywhere. There was only one door in
this room though, and this door had writing on it. Marc went up to the
door. It read:

If you want the key
Then you must be
Strong
enough
To beat this tough
Challenge of speed.

“Challenge of
speed?” Asked Marc out loud. Then, as if on queue, the floorboards
dropped from underneath him. Marc screamed, expecting pain, but none
came. In fact, it was comfortable. He landed on a mattress. “Whew” Said
Marc. He got up and looked around. In front of him, there was a long
stretch of wood, and behind him was a wall. Marc took a few steps
forward, and the second he got off the mattress, the wall behind him
started to move towards him, fast. Marc didn't hesitate, bolting
forward, each footstep making an individual echo. “Ahhhhh!” He screamed,
again. Marc was fast, but the wall was gaining on him. He had almost
reached the end of the hallway, and could make out a part of the floor
sticking out of the ground, like a hurdle. Marc guessed that once he got
past it, the wall would stop. The wall was inches away from Marc's
lifted heels, but he kept on going. He was now a few feet away from the
hurdle. He dived forward, just getting over, and landed with a thud on
the hard wood. No mattress this time. Just as Marc predicted, the wall
had stopped. He got up, his legs in pain, and his breath in short
intakes. Then he remembered the riddle.

If you want the key
Then
you must be
Strong enough
To beat this tough
Challenge of
speed.

That was a challenge of speed all right. But what about
the key it mentioned? Marc looked at the wall. On the ground below it,
was a beautiful shining knife with a note attached. Marc picked it up in
his hand. The knife felt balanced in his palm. Then he read the note.

“This
key doesn't open a chest or a door, but it is key to your survival. It
amuses me to give you some hope in here”

Marc found out two
things. 1. Combat was eventual. 2. The person who kidnapped his family
was doing it for some sick amusement.
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Naruto on Thu May 13, 2010 5:46 pm

I LOVE IT! *Glomps Waffle*
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Waffletail on Thu May 13, 2010 5:49 pm

Thanks :) Sorry if there are lots of mistakes though.
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Noname on Thu May 13, 2010 6:05 pm

In contrast to Naruto, I didn't find this piece as stimulating. You attempted to set the mood as creepy and spooky, but instead you made it seem like an every day thing. If you truly wanted to make us feel some source of fear, then you should of immersed us in detail. Most of the story was up to us to imagine, but could have been so much better with a little work. The only indication you gave us of having fear was the door disappearing and dead trees. But that's kind of boring. I also never got the urgency of whatever was happening. Mostly, because I didn't care about what happened to Mark at all. He was flat and uninteresting.

The story was driven by the plot not the characters like it should have been. Even though it is a very short piece, tons of character developing could of been added in a cinch, but you lost that chance. The challenge of speed was generic and lame. It could of been better if you tried to change it up a little bit and make it your own. We also knew instantly that he was going to survive this because you did a lot of foreshadowing. "Marc guessed that once he got past it, the wall would stop." The challenge of speed also had no suspense. Stories like this are born from suspense without it, it's obvious what's going to happen.

Now, I didn't mean this to be a completely rip of your writing, but I just didn't like it much.
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Bumblebee~* on Thu May 13, 2010 6:52 pm

... Nice length, AA. O_o

I agree with AA (something I don't usually do -_-)... but in a less teacher-ish way...

MOVING ALONG...

You said 'Marc' way too often. As in, used it to start every single paragraph. That really irks me. *prods you* Find some word to replace it once in a while.

Another thing is, when he finds the note on the double door, it reads, "You can leave now, and never see them again. Or you can run away." You're just repeating yourself over again. Give the poor boy a chance to find his family, wouldja?

Oh yeah, before I forget, a small change you could do is change the "3" to "three". When writing a piece, if you are writing a number that can be contained in one word, always write it out. Don't use the numeric key for it.

But other than that, it was fine. =] You have the guts to post up your story on here, I'll give you credit for that. I dun have those guts. Mine are in those jars over there. *prods jar of entrails*
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Ace on Thu May 13, 2010 7:11 pm

Uh...the name went from Mark to Marc.

“Ahhhhh!” He screamed,

See, you should just say "He screamed as the wall blahblahblah" cause putting screams into quotations is weird.

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Re: The Mansion

Post by Member on Thu May 13, 2010 9:34 pm

Well... *cough*

Not to use other reviews to support my review as well as the story. *cracks knuckles* Lets see...


Well, I thought it was alright. Not a story I would read, but only because the intro sucked (and it was nonexistant as you stated in the beginning) and you didn't paragraph the times when he talked when appropriate, and grammar, but... that's because I'm very picky. I don't read a book unless the synopsis and the first sentence gives me a reason to read it. *shrugs* I give books slim chances.

Anyways. The seprate review incorporation.

Noe, I agree with Agua on the whole mystery thing about it. It gave the overall question, but it didn't really give the feeling of a real problem to ponder. Instead of a question that you never thought of, you gave us a question that you would only need a quick obsevation to grasp the question. :What would happen if Pinoccio said 'My nose will now grow,'" versus, "What color is the box in the corner?" they have different volumes of mystery. Yours was the ladder. For the description, I think it was good enough, could have been better, but good enough for understanding and comprehension. It's enough to give the reader an idea of where you are, versus a painted picture made from Mozart. So your description was barely under the line of any par authors description.

This is where I start to disagree. For Marc, there really was no way the character could have become any more interesting than he already was. He was flat or uninteresting or both because the story had just started, there was no time for it to even begin to develope any backstory of any kind. And if it did, that would take place in the intro, which hasn't been made yet. When talking about character development, this could easily have been a story like most that span the overall character development throughout half or the entire book. Looks, clothes, anything, some books don't even tell you, and they are equally as good. For a book in a format such as this there, again, wasn't any time to even develope these things, and if it were a short story, character development, more than likely, wouldn't be a factor if this would be where the story ended. It wouldn't even need one. If Waffle were to end it right there and tweaked up the rest of it, easily this could be a great short story, no development needed.

Now.. of course you're going to know Marc suvives. The story, just started. Yeah, hes going to live, there's no question about it. He is more than likely the main character, and if he wasn't, then this owuld be in the nonexistant intro or in a prologue. And, really, to state that Marc guessed that if he jumped the hurdle thing that the wall would probably stop, is hardly foreshadowing. It's simply a thought. Just as easily he could have jumped over it and the wall could have leveled him so well he could trap water. A thought is not as plainly obvious as it would be if it was the fifth chapter of the book, which it pretty much was.

I do agree with the speed thing though. At the beginning, it immediately jumped into his figuring out of what may just be going on. It was just too fast. It was like running the speed of a proffessional olympic runner on a treadmile set on four. Just faster than needed. Slowit down some, and it'll get better.

Also, Honey, I don't see how he was repeating himself when saying that he could either find his family or leave. It was asked once, and it was a simple question. He was given a chance to find his family, and that was the chance. Simply walking through the door.

And, yes, for the numbering. If the number isn't higher than 120, then you would write it out instead of write it as a number, but this rule highly depends on the format. The highest majority of books use this format, though.

"Marc found out two things. 1. Combat was eventual. 2. The person who kidnapped his family
was doing it for some sick amusement."

The proper way to write this sentence would be either:

"Marc found out two things: One, combat was eventual. Two, the person who kidnapped his family was doing it for some sick amusement."

Or

"Marc found out two things. One, combat was eventual. Two, the person who kidnapped his family was doing it for some sick amusement."

Or

"Marc found out two things: (one) Combat was eventual, (two) the person who kidnapped his family was doing it for some sick amusement."

Or any variations there of.


Also, I agre with Flint. Writting out the scream has always been something that has brought my feelings for a book down.


*This has been a review by Iem A. Member

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Re: The Mansion

Post by Waffletail on Fri May 14, 2010 2:57 pm

Like I said. This was not edited or revised. and I lacked an intro, so Marc wasn't developed enough.
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Bumblebee~* on Fri May 14, 2010 3:12 pm

Waffleh, it was alright. =]

Membrane...

QUOTE

"You can leave now, and never see them again, or you could run away,
I wont stop you. Choose wisely."

END OF QUOTE

That's once choice. Leaving the mansion and running away from the mansion. Those were his two choices.
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Re: The Mansion

Post by Waffletail on Fri May 14, 2010 3:56 pm

But thanks for all the criticism. I'll keep this in mind if I ever revise it.
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